I would give you a hug if I could!!! First, I am so so sorry about your brother. That had to be awful to go through. I swore I would never do heroin, and I didn't, but looking back it's not like I was doing anything better!! Speed and cocaine are addictive, too! My rationalizing things never got me anywhere. The memories are definitely hard to decipher during those times and the really awful ones stick around when I wish they would just get erased!!

I think a poem about your experience would be great to share while you keep all those raw details between you and your therapist, if that is what you are comfortable with. When I hit publish I did think, shit I wonder if I am going to be read by someone I don't want to read and then what will happen? But, then I thought, OH WELL! I mean, it was 24 years ago and I was dumb!